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Moving through the day

anxiety ridden, heart racing

wanting to disappear

become invisible

hover above to get a better view

a view that didn’t sting and hurt the senses

Walking to school

aware of every step, counting each step

and making constant deals of safety for self

dependent on the magic number of steps it took

she would sing gently to herself

“if i make it to the next lamppost in 25 steps then I’ll be ok,

If I make it to that lamppost in 17 steps I’ll be ok”.

And on and the horrid game of lamppost roulette would go

She was always ok

but only just, just hanging by a thread

this life was scary

and confusing.

Everyone else was so beautiful! Thats what she noticed the most

Just painful beauty which only seemed to highlight her ugliness

She felt dirty, ugly, and there was nowhere to hide

Once she left the safety of her bedroom she was in the spotlight

her ugliness so sharp and acidic it made the beautiful people recoil from her.

She wore glasses with curly arms to wrap around her ears.

She hated them, she wanted to stomp on them and crush them into a million pieces.

But she only got painful headaches if she didn’t wear them. She was cross eyed.

The beautiful children would laugh at her and call her four eyes.

She hated herself so much, she hated this life even more,

and she was so scared all the time.

She just wanted to feel beautiful, just once!

Thankfully this is past, it helped shape who I’ve become, and my heart is compassionate, especially for myself