, , , , ,

Feb 2012 (an old note I found)

There has been an energetic theme of abandonment running through my life. At the beginning it was obvious. Dad leaving physically when I was 4, Mum leaving emotionally at the same time. And my Grandmother dying as well, although I don’t remember my Grandmother, the grief of her dying effected all of us like ripples on a pond..that’s how it works.

The abandonment became more subtle as I got older, but still there nonetheless.

Abandonment pushes its way to the surface in my life, it hurts this feeling, it blows in like a great wind of grief and loneliness leaving me chilled to the bone – hollow and empty.

Curled up tight like a small child trying to hide from a recurring nightmare, but nowhere to hide, I’m surrounded with this feeling. I have noticed over the last few years it has got louder this howling wind of abandonment suffocating me, demanding my attention.Requiring my acceptance, allowing it a space to heal inside my heart.

I realize it is time to stop abandoning my abandonment, and so I invite it into my heart to sit at my hearth to be heard, to be validated, to be loved.

So she comes to sit in my heart to be loved and accepted, and I see that this abandonment is me about 4 years old, I cry at the recognition and I pick her up and I say, I love you Leisa, I will never abandon you again, I will cherish you, and I will never turn my back on you, you are so very precious to me, you are lovable and you are perfect and I adore you.

And as I hold her close I feel a presence draw near to my energy.

It’s a woman It is my Grandmother who I’ve always been afraid of.

But I’m not feeling fear now, only love the most beautiful unconditional love emanating from her into me, we are blending and even more than that I get a sense there are other women drawing near as well, women from my family- the ancestors the grandmothers the great grandmothers of past, they all merge into me and fill me with their love.

I’m filled with gratitude and love for my life and myself and my ability to ask for help and receive the healing that I need. Ask and you shall receive, share and you shall receive as well. Only this morning I asked for help with this healing and I have received it, to fully receive I had to go into the pain, and that is never easy to.